The Dark Days: V Has a Bit of a Whinge.

The past few days, I've been in a low mood where my writing's concerned. Most of the time I try to focus on what I'm doing and not look too far ahead. Over the bank holiday weekend, though, I let my mistakes bring on an almost crippling self-doubt. Even now, I'm trying to shake off the remnants of a defeatist attitude.

It feels like various different sources of negativity are attached to me like weights, dragging me down. One of the weights is all the time I wasted not writing when I was younger. There were so many reasons why I didn't bother with it then, but the main reason was I genuinely thought all my creativity had left me, never to return. In the end, it was my own priorities that wiped it out of my life when I could have been laying the foundations of my career. I just let myself give up far too easily.

Another weight is the mistakes in my writing. All the exposition I'm coming across. It's very discouraging when you can't see the good stuff for the bad. At times, it has seriously made me question whether I'm capable of making anything good enough to be published.

Then there's the fact that I messed up with the images I've been using for posts on my social media accounts. I was (wrongly) under the impression that all stock photos were free to use but, after doing some overdue research, I found it depends on which website you get them from. So, thanks to my ignorance, my Facebook page is mostly devoid of pictures because it won't let me swap an image without deleting the post altogether. I accidentally deleted one of my posts, which had some really lovely comments I've now lost forever. I deleted and re-posted everything on my Twitter and Instagram accounts in one big unprofessional flood, and some of my Twitter posts had already been retweeted anyway, so my illegally sought images are still out there on the web. Fantastic.

The final weight is about the extra fraught schedule I'll have when I go back to work and the societal expectations on a mother to spin loads of plates without letting any of them fall (unless, of course, it's something only she cares about. Then she should absolutely let it fall without question.)

I've always felt there's this double standard. If the father of a young child works a lot, many people say "What a dedicated dad, saving for his child's future." If a woman does the same, she's vilified  for "not spending enough time with the kids."

Now, I'm not going to pretend my writing is the same as overtime, because it's not making money yet. Nor am I going to pretend I don't do it for me. But, if I'm successful as an author, my son could still be receiving little bits of royalties from my books long after I'm dead, and that's my ultimate goal; to make a proper career and income out of my books. I love spending time with my child. I've said in a previous post, that's not the plate that will ever be allowed to fall. But I don't think it's at all unreasonable to have my own aspirations as well as being present for him.

Inevitably, the pressure to succeed while avoiding being seen as a terrible mum is going to be tough. (I know it's a pressure of my own making, but there are both internal and external factors I find so difficult to ignore, I'd probably be more stressed out if I didn't attempt this juggling act.) And this, dear readers, brings us back to the first "weight." If I'd started this before becoming a parent I wouldn't be in this rush to publish a book, because I'd probably have already done it. I'd feel at peace, then, with slowing down a bit. Thanks, Younger Me. You really messed up.

So, I've been plodding on, feeling sorry for myself but trying not to let it hinder my work too much. I don't like whingeing in my posts. I prefer them to have a positive energy but, when I first started out, I promised authenticity and here it is.

We can't feel good all the time. There'll be days for all of us when we doubt ourselves or our work; days when we're just not in the mood to produce our best. It passes, though. Day by day, I'm feeling better. The weights get lighter and the outlook more positive, but only because I've kept going.

If you need to take a short break, there's nothing wrong with that. But often, when there's a crisis on confidence, the best way to overcome it is to prove to yourself that you can do it by just doing it. "Fake it 'til you make it" is kind of my motto.

To anyone who's struggling with any kind of negativity right now, keep pushing through the storm. We're all going to come out the other side.

V.