Lost For Words.

It's not often I write on my blog two days running, but I've hit a very frustrating snag with one of my writing projects and I wanted to vent about it. I could have done this privately and approached friends, but then this particular difficulty would be lost and forgotten. When I started this blog, I promised I'd share everything about my writing process, both positive and negative, to help other beginners feel less alone. Even if nobody ever reads this, it will still be good for me to look back on, once I've got past this, to remind myself that there is no writing obstacle that can't be overcome.

Writer's block is a difficulty we all face at times. Writer's block towards the end of NaNo month when time is running out to hit that word target is infuriating, but nothing I haven't overcome before. The main reason why I'm so disheartened today is that I have had a specific project in mind for some time, one that I documented in my blog, but I can't even seem to get started on it. I'm talking specifically about the children's book I plan to write about a transgender child with the aim of helping children better understand gender dysphoria. I've put it off for over a month, not knowing where to start, but today I decided to give it a shot. I've been typing and deleting opening sentences all day. Every single one has read so terribly that I could punch myself in the face.

Unlike some, who see it as a hobby, I hate clothes shopping. (Bear with me here. There is a link. I promise I haven't gone completely off the wall just yet.) When it's absolutely essential that I buy a new item of clothing, I always know exactly what I want, the idea being that I can go into the shop, buy the thing and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. In reality, it never works that way. The more specific I am about what I want, the less likely it is that I find it, with the exception of generic items that you can find just about anywhere. This is the perfect analogy for what I'm going through with this project.

Because there's a specific story I want to write, and I want to make sure it conveys its message perfectly, the words just aren't there. The subject of trans rights is something I feel needs to be raised and understood more widely. We need to live in a world where everyone, regardless of individual differences can just be themselves and live their lives without fear. I want to do anything I can do to help in the movement towards this. If I mess this up, I'll have failed to do everything in my power to help that cause.

So, what's wrong with today's attempts? Well, the first sentence was never interesting enough. I think we can all agree that the opening line of a book is important. It needs to make the reader want to engage and invest in the story as a whole, particularly with something as short as a children's picture book where the opening lines account for a larger percentage of the manuscript. There's really not much room for redemption with a book like that if the opening line is shit. If you were a literary agent or a publisher and a manuscript landed on your desk with a substandard first line, you wouldn't bother reading the rest, would you? It would go straight in the bin. 

I'm not exactly dead set on making this one rhyme. My book on racial equality doesn't rhyme and I'm pretty pleased with how it reads. But whichever way I try this one, rhyming or not, the opening sentences I've tried have all been really weak. It's one of those days when becoming a successful author seems like nothing but a pipe dream. The fact that I've sworn on here that I'm going to write this book will make it all the more embarrassing if I don't manage it. 

There are times when I want to backtrack and scale down to just writing the novel, forgetting all other projects entirely. There are times when I feel like I'm attempting too much. Maybe I am. But the ambition is there. I can't shake it and I can't ignore it. I just have to go with it, rotating the projects to make sure each has its turn to be a higher priority than the others. When Camp NaNo is over and I no longer have a specific word target to meet, my focus will return to editing the novel with a view to getting this round finished. I'll have been working on it for three years in November and it would be wonderful to finally have a finished product.

My hope was that this children's book could go towards the NaNo word count. Maybe it still can. Maybe I'll have a sudden burst of inspiration. After a breather and a drink, I'll just keep hammering out sentence after sentence, hoping to eventually strike gold. Sometimes that's all we can do. Try and try until we get it right.

V.

Filling in the Gaps.

July is almost over, so now is the time for a mad rush to reach my 10000 word target for Camp NaNoWriMo. Gulp. If I continued to edit the existing words of my novel right now, my word count would end up in minus figures, so I have put that side of things on the back burner just for this month. That's not to say I've done nothing on the first novel at all, though. 

Last NaNo month, I worked on my first draft of book two. This time, I haven't touched that, instead choosing to write some additional scenes for the book I'm currently editing. So far in the editing process I have cut something in the region of 14000 words and I'd estimate I'm about three quarters of the way through. While that is a little daunting, it has given me the opportunity to fill in some gaps. There are characters who need building up more. There are scenes I chose not to write first time round which I regret not including. The scene I'm in the process of writing has been niggling at me since I submitted my first attempt to beta readers, and that's never a good sign. I felt that I'd cheated the reader out of an important moment. It needed fixing.

Something came to me when writing this scene, something I felt would be a nice touch, that will hopefully make the reader feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It's going to mean changing a few small details of the earlier plot but, if I can make it work without destroying any other important parts, It will definitely be worth using. To anyone who is in the middle of round one beta reading on Google Docs, please bear with me. There are going to be a couple of plot holes and continuity issues that I've yet to iron out. The manuscript is going to have some serious reconstruction work done over the next month or two.

I really hope that cutting out the unnecessary words and adding these extra scenes will make the substance of the book much richer and help the reader invest further into the characters. We'll see whether or not that's worked on the next round of beta reading. 

And this is the thing about editing. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's disheartening. Sometimes it just seems to take so fucking long you wonder if you're ever going to have a finished product. But it's all in the spirit of getting the best possible version of your story out there. None of us wants anything but our best work out in the public domain. This is what we have to hold on to. This arduous process is what leads us to something we can truly be proud of. 

I need to hold onto that thought sometimes. There are days when I feel I'll never manage to finish what I started; that I'll simply run out of time. But I've come too far now to fail at this. All the hours I've put into it have to mean something. 

I think we all have times when we can't see the light at the end of the editing tunnel, particularly with the first project we intend to publish. If you're going through this right now, I'm with you. I'm having a tough time of it at the moment too. Self-doubt creeps into my mind every day, telling me I'll never manage it and I should have just stuck to my day job and my role as a wife and mother. This is ludicrous, of course, because we all need something of our own to remind us of our own identity outside of work and family life. Otherwise, what do we have when our children are grown? 

Creativity in general is something that allows us to really express ourselves as individuals and break free from the confines of other people's expectations. This is why we must continue. I say this even to people who aren't looking to share or sell the products they create. Even if you write or paint or sculpt or whatever just for your own amusement, keep at it. I really believe we're all supposed to do this. If more people in the world allowed themselves to create, putting themselves through all the joy and the difficulties that entails, instead of destroying, instead of saying and doing cruel things, the world would be a much happier place. We all have the potential to create. We just have to allow ourselves to do it, even if at first we don't think we're capable.

So, we come back again to the notion of filling gaps. I am filling the gaps in my manuscript, but I'm also filling a gap in my life by continuing to write. It's a gap caused by trying to go the conventional route in life; trying to follow the societal norms and aspiring to a definition of success determined by others. It's a response to a life of self-neglect, pushing my own needs to the back of the queue and trying to impress other people instead. Perhaps I would never have felt the need to do that if I'd have gone my own way and impressed myself instead. 

We can all fill a gap in our lives by creating. We can all push our own boundaries and impress ourselves with what we've done. We can elevate our own self-esteem with what we produce, rather than relying on other people to hold us in high regard. If our like or dislike of ourselves depends on the opinions of people around us, that's a very fragile sense of self-worth indeed. We can't please everyone all the time. This is something I'm working on. I've still quite a way to go.

It's back to the novel for me, now, before the oversharing spirals out of control. 

Experiment. Create. Dare to push your artistic boundaries and you might surprise yourself.

And, if you're editing, hang in there. It's a rough ride, but we're going to get through it.

V.

If At First We Don't Succeed...

Since I was a teenager, I have owned an acoustic guitar. The idea was to teach myself, get good at it and then treat myself to a beautiful electric one. This didn't go to plan. Teaching myself proved far too difficult an undertaking to achieve and my poor instrument has been in the loft gathering dust for a long, long time.

That's until my dear friend, Christian, came along. He encouraged me to pick it up again and taught me a little bit of something to get started. (If you're reading this, Music Man, may a non-specific deity or higher power bless you. If I can pull this off, I'll be forever in your debt.)

The dream is back on. I must have my electric guitar. I am already doing my research.

But, what does this have to do with writing, V? Well, in a metaphorical sense, my dreams of becoming an author sat there next to my guitar in that dusty old loft too. They are both things I feel are necessary to achieve for my self-actualisation. Literature and music are my two biggest passions, so to succeed in making my own would be so fulfilling.

I have been looking back a fair bit lately, berating myself for letting all that take a back seat; for getting my priorities wrong earlier in my adulthood. But, there comes a point when we have to make peace with our past and move forward. Where we have failed with things before, we can try again and we can succeed. The experience from our wrong turns might even prove inspirational. I think sheer pride and stubbornness will be my motivators in times when nothing else will. I'm less likely to give up these days. I'm not aiming for anything else besides the things that make my life richer, not in monetary but experiential terms.

It's not that I'm immune to failure, just that I won't be as easily deterred by it. I used to back down from attempts at things due to fear of underachieving. If I didn't show myself to be the failure I expected I'd be, I would save face. It's the wrong way to look at things and I've always known it. But putting my goals out there, telling people about them, especially on this platform, means my fragile pride is used to the opposite effect. I must try and succeed. Not trying and, therefore, not giving myself the opportunity to fail, isn't going to cut it any more.

An example of something that's not exactly going to plan right now is my social media engagement. In my last post, I swore to put more effort into building my platform. I have increased my posts a little, but not enough. There hasn't been a great deal of engagement with them either. Twitter, in particular, has great potential if I can just get the hang of how to use it effectively. It's going to take time, research and practice, but I'll get there.

The same applies to my larger goals. There will be setbacks. It may take a while to get to where I'm going, but any movement is good, no matter how slow. Sometimes, particularly during periods of poor mental health, it feels like wading through treacle. It doesn't matter. Often creativity ebbs and flows. The worst thing I can possibly do is just stop.

If you're finding yourself at a sticking point and cursing yourself, as I have many times before, please remember that anything worth having takes hard work and commitment. If you persist, even if it's just a little bit of work each day, you will get there. Any progress at all is better than none.

 Here's to challenging our limits. We can do this.

V.

Improving My Social Media Presence.

I've been out of the writing game for a week or so. Writer's block has struck again, as has a period of low mood which has not helped my efforts in anything besides poetry. On the brighter side, we've had a friend staying with us for a few days, who has been a far more welcome distraction and has brought some sunshine to proceedings. Anyway, despite the aforementioned difficulties, it's time to get my nose back to the grindstone if I'm ever to achieve my word target by the end of Camp NaNoWriMo.

Lately, I've been thinking that my writing, though at a small sticking point, will sort itself out. I always find a way to pull something out of the bag when I go through periods of not knowing what to write or how to fix a particular detail of my work. I'm getting there, even though I go through periods of slower progress. What I really feel I'm failing at is creating and maintaining my social media presence.

To some, this might not seem important, but I've come to realise that building up a following can make a tremendous difference to the success of a book. I'm not big on posting every detail of my life even on my personal Facebook account, so it doesn't come naturally to post every day on my writer's pages. It's something I need to spend more time getting the hang of, while not letting it dominate my life. Judging by the amount of activity on some people's accounts, I'm really not sure how I'll manage to strike the right balance. It's just another plate to spin amongst ones that are already in real danger of falling.

It relies on coming up with interesting and eye-catching content for a start. It's the same thing that makes me slightly worried about my blog and whether it's likely to attract an audience at any point. I guess I'm still working on the assumption that other writers in the early stages might feel better to know that they're not the only ones struggling to make something of themselves and their work.

I guess I need to consider what types of posts attract my own attention. I've found a few memes related to books and writing. It's a start, but some posts need to be more detailed. Some of the more interesting posts I've seen on other people's accounts are the ones that ask questions and inspire dialogue. One author occasionally puts up a picture and asks followers to describe it. Others ask questions about other people's writing, characters and process. This is the kind of thing that gets people on board because it's an excellent way to build connections that work both ways. It allows others to share, which creates conversation and networking opportunities for all parties. I need to do more of this.

NaNoWriMo could make for quite good subject matter for some posts. It's definitely a conversation
started amongst writers who take part. Maybe I could start there for the remainder of this month.

At this point I'm going to make a commitment to be a little more active on social media. It's unlikely to ever be something that takes up a great deal of my time, but I definitely need to put some effort into building connections.

If there's anything you would like to see more of on my social media, please send me a message. I'm open to suggestions.

V.

It's That Time Again...

It's July! Time for another Camp NaNoWriMo. Once again, my word count will be made up of a mixture of projects: this blog, my children's books and my novel. Might even sling a bit of poetry in there for good measure. The goal is a good deal smaller than last time because I am no longer on furlough and have to take that into account. I want it to be a challenge, but an achievable one, so my target is 10000 words.

I'm conscious that I haven't been blogging a great deal lately. That's mainly because I've been hitting the editing pretty hard, leaving little time for blog posts. I want to continue the momentum, so if you're a regular reader, please bear with me. Trust me, it's going to be worth it. I'll make sure it is because all the lost sleep and many, many hours of work on this book has to mean something.

So far, I have cut over 14000 words from the text, which can be be made up again with additions that will be useful to the plot and character building. I have two characters in particular who don't get anywhere near enough of a buildup as things stand. As a "pantster" I found that one of these characters sneaked up on me  by accident and proved to have so much potential she's going to be the star of book two. She definitely needs a worthy development.

When I wrote the last post, I hadn't yet conquered my writer's block on the children's book I was working on. In a sense, I still haven't because I had to give up on making it rhyme in order to just get the story written. I was quite keen for my children's books to all rhyme, but whatever I tried just felt forced and sounded cringeworthy. My first children's book rhymed. Do all children's books by the same author have to be written in the same style? I don't know. Answers on a postcard, please.

In any case, I'm relatively pleased with how the story has come out, even if it doesn't fucking rhyme, so it's onward and upward to the next one, which will centre around the slightly trickier subject of gender dysphoria. I am keen to do some research into this area first, particularly regarding what transgender people would have found helpful as children, as well as any pitfalls to avoid. It's really important to me that I put this across in a sensitive and helpful way. That's the only way it will stand a chance of achieving my aim of fostering understanding and inclusivity of transgender people.

If anyone with first-hand experience of this would like to message me with any thoughts I would be eternally grateful. My social media accounts are a good way to get in touch by private message. Of course, I would respect your privacy and keep specific details confidential.

I have bought a book along the same lines as what I plan to write called 'I Am Jazz' by Jessica Herthel and Jazz Jennings. That's the first part of my research. That book has the advantage of having a trans woman collaborate, so I can be reasonably sure that they haven't unintentionally offended the target audience.

I'll keep you updated on this project, as well as my others.

If any of you are participating in July's Camp NaNoWriMo, I'd love to hear what you're working on. Please drop me a message. Best of luck with it. Let's smash those targets!

V.