Last NaNo month, I worked on my first draft of book two. This time, I haven't touched that, instead choosing to write some additional scenes for the book I'm currently editing. So far in the editing process I have cut something in the region of 14000 words and I'd estimate I'm about three quarters of the way through. While that is a little daunting, it has given me the opportunity to fill in some gaps. There are characters who need building up more. There are scenes I chose not to write first time round which I regret not including. The scene I'm in the process of writing has been niggling at me since I submitted my first attempt to beta readers, and that's never a good sign. I felt that I'd cheated the reader out of an important moment. It needed fixing.
Something came to me when writing this scene, something I felt would be a nice touch, that will hopefully make the reader feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It's going to mean changing a few small details of the earlier plot but, if I can make it work without destroying any other important parts, It will definitely be worth using. To anyone who is in the middle of round one beta reading on Google Docs, please bear with me. There are going to be a couple of plot holes and continuity issues that I've yet to iron out. The manuscript is going to have some serious reconstruction work done over the next month or two.
I really hope that cutting out the unnecessary words and adding these extra scenes will make the substance of the book much richer and help the reader invest further into the characters. We'll see whether or not that's worked on the next round of beta reading.
And this is the thing about editing. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's disheartening. Sometimes it just seems to take so fucking long you wonder if you're ever going to have a finished product. But it's all in the spirit of getting the best possible version of your story out there. None of us wants anything but our best work out in the public domain. This is what we have to hold on to. This arduous process is what leads us to something we can truly be proud of.
I need to hold onto that thought sometimes. There are days when I feel I'll never manage to finish what I started; that I'll simply run out of time. But I've come too far now to fail at this. All the hours I've put into it have to mean something.
I think we all have times when we can't see the light at the end of the editing tunnel, particularly with the first project we intend to publish. If you're going through this right now, I'm with you. I'm having a tough time of it at the moment too. Self-doubt creeps into my mind every day, telling me I'll never manage it and I should have just stuck to my day job and my role as a wife and mother. This is ludicrous, of course, because we all need something of our own to remind us of our own identity outside of work and family life. Otherwise, what do we have when our children are grown?
Creativity in general is something that allows us to really express ourselves as individuals and break free from the confines of other people's expectations. This is why we must continue. I say this even to people who aren't looking to share or sell the products they create. Even if you write or paint or sculpt or whatever just for your own amusement, keep at it. I really believe we're all supposed to do this. If more people in the world allowed themselves to create, putting themselves through all the joy and the difficulties that entails, instead of destroying, instead of saying and doing cruel things, the world would be a much happier place. We all have the potential to create. We just have to allow ourselves to do it, even if at first we don't think we're capable.
So, we come back again to the notion of filling gaps. I am filling the gaps in my manuscript, but I'm also filling a gap in my life by continuing to write. It's a gap caused by trying to go the conventional route in life; trying to follow the societal norms and aspiring to a definition of success determined by others. It's a response to a life of self-neglect, pushing my own needs to the back of the queue and trying to impress other people instead. Perhaps I would never have felt the need to do that if I'd have gone my own way and impressed myself instead.
We can all fill a gap in our lives by creating. We can all push our own boundaries and impress ourselves with what we've done. We can elevate our own self-esteem with what we produce, rather than relying on other people to hold us in high regard. If our like or dislike of ourselves depends on the opinions of people around us, that's a very fragile sense of self-worth indeed. We can't please everyone all the time. This is something I'm working on. I've still quite a way to go.
It's back to the novel for me, now, before the oversharing spirals out of control.
Experiment. Create. Dare to push your artistic boundaries and you might surprise yourself.
And, if you're editing, hang in there. It's a rough ride, but we're going to get through it.
V.
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